


Amateurs In Wooing

by Watermelonsmellinfellon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aliases, Bad Dumbledore, Courtship, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Harry Is Blunt, Humor, Idiots in Love, Love Letters, M/M, Mild Language, Mutual Pining, Plain Old-Fashioned Wooing My Dears, Prophecy, Pseudonyms, Sexual Humor, Wooing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 10:44:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4873819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Watermelonsmellinfellon/pseuds/Watermelonsmellinfellon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Voldy and Harry decide to woo each other. But the other would never accept them for who they are. Right? They need pseudonyms! Problem. Both are getting letters from unknowns trying to woo them. Problem. They fall for these unknowns. Until finally, both learn that the one who wooed them, is actually the one they were trying to woo. </p><p>A/N: Voldy woos Harry and Harry woos Voldy. SLASH. Basically, they're idiots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Humor.

** A/N: Hello, people! New fic! **

** I don't own Harry Potter. **

** I have no beta. **

** ENJOY! **

** CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR. [HELLY-WATERMELONSMELLINFELLON](http://helly-watermelonsmellinfellon.tumblr.com/). I FOLLOW BACK. **

* * *

Harry knew that he shouldn't even be interested, but he couldn't help himself. Though the man had indeed murdered his parents and had even tortured him under the Cruciatus a few months prior, Harry couldn't stop himself from being infatuated with the Dark Lord known as Voldemort. And his interest went much deeper than just the man's power, like his followers were steeped in.

No. The man had a presence about him that interested Harry. It was definitely what drew followers to him. And his power rolled around him, letting everyone around him know that he was holding all the cards. His eyes - while full of knowledge and history - also held an otherworldly charm to them. And for some very odd reason, Harry was extremely attracted to his snake-like form, much like he had been over Tom Riddle. His voice held a slight hiss to it that made Harry's hair raise a bit.

The Boy-Who-Lived knew that he would never succeed in getting Voldemort's attention when he was himself, so he needed a new name. A pseudonym that was attention grabbing. He needed to do his very best, to woo the Dark Lord.

* * *

"Padfoot."

Sirius finished his tea and gave him his full, undivided attention.

"I want to woo Voldemort."

He was a Gryffindor and let it not be said that he wasn't blunt.

For a moment, all was silent. A moment later, Sirius' mouth had dropped open, his grey eyes blown wide.

" _Really_?" he managed to ask, sounding as confused as he looked.

"Yes. But I don't know how to woo someone."

"Y-You  _do_  know who you are talking about right?"

"Yes."

"And you do know what he did? And has done?"

"Yes, but I can't help how I feel."

Sirius let out a long breath and shook his head a few times. "Of all the things you could want to do in your teen years… Are you even gay?"

"Yeah, I had a crush on Cedric."

"And you do remember that Voldemort was the one to order his death, right?"

"Yeah, but I still can't help it. I mean, I met his sixteen year old self, saw an old memory of him, and Dumbledore told me a few things. I can really relate to him and what he went through in his younger years. And I'm sure that something good is still there. We just need to find it. And I really can't stop thinking about him."

Sirius sighed, "Well, I've never wooed a dark wizard before, so we'd have to think this through."

Harry's heart skipped a beat. "You'll  _help_  me?!"

"Yeah. I'll help with what I can. It's the least I can do after all this time. But just to be sure, you  _really_  do understand what you're about to get into, with  _him_  of all people?"

Harry gave an affirmative nod. "I do."

"Then we'll commence, Operation: Woo Voldy!"

* * *

Lord Voldemort sat in his chair, his hands folded on the desk in front of him. He knew he shouldn't be thinking such things, but he couldn't help it. His mind kept flashing back to that night. The night he faced off against Potter. The boy, just on the cusp of his teen years, defying him at every chance. His bright, Avada like eyes shining in combined fury, fear, and determination.

Their wands connecting, showing their relation. Brother wands. A rare occurrence in the magical world. Potter had the wand equal to his own. If that wasn't enough to catch his interest, the boy's strength was.

None of his followers were able to handle the Cruciatus under silence. And yet the boy, though biting nearly clean through his bottom lip, had managed such a feat. And from what Barty had told him during the year, he wasn't affected by the Imperius Curse. Impressive feats of strength and endurance. Especially in one so young.

He had known that this infatuation with the boy was wrong. Not from the age between them, but from the fact that the child had been prophesied to kill him. He finally got fed up with the constant warring with himself and simply went to the Ministry, disguised at Lucius. A few Obliviates and he was able to retrieve the prophecy about them.

_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches, born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies. And the Dark Lord shall mark him as his equal, but he will have a power the Dark Lord will know not until it is imparted to him. And in order to die, either must die at the hand of the other, spurring the remaining to perish soon after, unable to live on with their other half gone. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies. Whether he choose to kill or aid will in his hands lie._

That had been an eye opener. If he had killed the boy, he would have fully died. Lily Potter's sacrificial magic saved both of their lives.

But Albus was the one to push them into hiding. If they had simply informed him of the prophecy, he would have protected them himself. Unless… Dumbledore never told them all of the prophecy, or even… told them the wrong prophesy.

It was something Albus would do for the 'greater good'. If it meant getting rid of the Dark Lord, then sacrificing a baby wouldn't be an issue. And if both parents were killed prior to his death, no one would miss him.

But at least he now could pursue the boy to his heart's content. Although, he knew he couldn't do it under his own name. The boy would never accept his advances if he knew who was truly trying to woo him.

He needed an alias.

Pulling out a sheet of parchment and an Everlasting Ink Quill, he charmed it to respond to his voice and began composing a letter.

_**Dear Mr. Potter,** _

_**I am an admirer that has been keeping track of your progress in the magical world for quite some time. As you are now of consenting age in magical Britain, I have decided to go along with my plans of getting to know you better.** _

_**I find you intriguing. I will not pussyfoot around this, I think you are an attractive young man and I intend to court you, if you will allow me to.** _

_**If you accept my suit, please place the wristband on your left wrist. As custom dictates, others will know of your courtship once established.** _

_**A little information about myself in order to capture your interest.** _

_**I am male.** _

_**I have graduated from Hogwarts already.** _

_**I'll let you see if you can guess which House I was in.** _

_**I am a Halfblood.** _

_**I received all Oustandings in all O.W.L. classes.** _

_**I received all Outstandings in all N.E.W.T. classes.** _

_**I like Ogden's Firewhiskey.** _

_**I've found myself recently taking an interest in Quidditch. Could you explain it?** _

_**It's been a pleasure,** _

_**Therese M. Rizze(you'll learn my real name eventually).** _

He attached the silver courtship wristlet to the letter and quickly called upon one of the many owls belonging to the manor, ordering it to kindly deliver his missive to Harry Potter. Now, he had to wait for his own wristband to heat up, to see if the boy accepted his suit.

He hoped he did.

* * *

Harry was writing his own letter, having finally come up with a pseudonym for himself.

_**To My Dear Dark Lord,** _

_**I simply want to tell you how amazing I think you are. This revelation came rather suddenly and as I thought about it, it is indeed true. Everything about you is charming and I cannot stop myself from fantasizing about you.** _

_**And no, I am not ashamed of my interest. I find you fascinating. So much, that I sit up at night thinking about you!** _

_**I hope you'll permit me to continue writing. And to be honest, even if you didn't, I'd do it anyway. You're that irresistible!** _

_**I will of course, tell you about what draws me in.** _

_**Power, presence, appearance, voice, eyes - Merlin those are perfection - and even your fingers. The way you caress your wand when deep in thought. It's a turn on. Your intelligence. You give me shivers of the best kind.** _

_**Hoping to hear positive word from you,** _

_**H. Jarvis Privet.** _

And just as he sent Hedwig - who had been charmed to look brown - off, an owl appeared. It was a large, black, Eagle Owl and it had an imposing presence. With piercing, golden eyes too.

He accepted the letter and summoned a rat for the bird, which quickly dived and worked on consuming the creature. It left soon after.

He quickly read the letter, gaping at certain parts. Someone was trying to woo him! While he was in the middle of wooing Voldemort.

He at least sounded like an alright bloke, if a little too fancy. And smart.

There was no actual telling if Voldemort would accept him, so Harry decided to go along with Therese's offer… for now.

He snapped the wristband into place and goggled when it glowed for a second, before returning to normal.

He smiled a bit.

The upcoming school year would be fun.

"Harry! We need to go to Diagon!"

"Coming!"

* * *

Voldemort stared down at the letter he'd received not even an hour after sending the owl off. The owl who delivered it had gotten through his wards! And it flew off before he could do or say anything!

And what was inside.

Someone fancied themselves worthy of  _him_?

Obviously they were young with they way they wrote, but still, it was interesting. Admitting blatantly to finding the Dark Lord attractive. Commenting on continued correspondence even if he didn't want the attention.

Although… it could be entertaining.

He sat back and began instructing his utensils to construct a return letter.

This could be interesting.

* * *

** A/N: The first is done! **

** How was it? Let me know! **

** Check out my other Tomarry and Harrymort fics. **

** See ya! :D **

** CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR. [HELLY-WATERMELONSMELLINFELLON](http://helly-watermelonsmellinfellon.tumblr.com/). I FOLLOW BACK. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hearing at the Ministry. People are stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry is fed up with magical Britain's shit.

**A/N: Hello, people!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**I have no beta.**

**ENJOY!**

**CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR.[HELLY-WATERMELONSMELLINFELLON](http://helly-watermelonsmellinfellon.tumblr.com/). I FOLLOW BACK.**

* * *

Harry sighed. The Ministry of Magic was full of idiots.

While he was locked away all summer, worrying about what the hell was happening now that the object of his infatuation had returned, they'd petitioned the Prophet to slander his name from one side of Magical Britain, to the other.

And then there was the full trial all for underage magic.

Harry was not pleased.

He was trying to woo someone here! He didn't have time for petty politicians.

Well, Mr. Weasley was easy to manipulate. He just had to tell the man about some Muggle objects in order to get him to agree to take Harry to Gringotts first thing.

And boy… was it enlightening.

Griphook was shocked when Harry approached him, called him by name, and asked for his help. Griphook then led him to the Potter Account Manager's Office.

Unglok the Unyielding was snarky like Snape was, but much easier to respect.

Harry had questions. He needed answers.

"Heir Potter-Black, what can I do for you?" the Goblin sneered slightly.

"Do you know of any way for a minor to become emancipated?"

One bushy eyebrow rose, "And why would you need to know this?"

"Well, my Muggle cousin and I were attacked by Dementors a few days ago and I had to use the Patronus Charm to drive them off. My cousin was nearly Kissed and he is currently in a Muggle hospital undergoing treatments because he is severely unwell. Moments later I received a letter from the Ministry that I had been expelled from Hogwarts.

Moments after that, I was removed from my aunt's house and told that I would be getting a full trial in front of the Wizengamot and that I very well might be expelled still and my wand would be snapped.

This is a problem because if my aunt still has custody of me or whoever does I guess, I wouldn't be able to move to France and attend Beauxbatons. So I was wondering if I could be emancipated or not."

Unglok stared at him for a moment. "You don't even know who your guardian is?"

"I'm not sure. If my aunt was my guardian, then I don't think Dumbledore would have the right to make all these decisions about me without her permission."

Unglok shuffled through the parchments on his desk. "If you do not even know of your Magical Guardian, do you even know what is expected of you in terms of your Houses?"

"Houses?"

The Goblin's face met his palm instantly and there was a loud groan. He pulled something from the desk, a large sheet of parchment, and placed it on top of all the other parchments. He then snapped his fingers and a Goblin appeared beside his chair. They spoke briefly in Gobbledegook, before the Goblin was gone. He reappeared, placing a small vial on Unglok's desk, before popping away once more.

"A Lineage Potion, Heir Potter-Black. You drink it and every family you are descendant of, will appear on the parchment. Because your Magical Guardian has been remiss, this will be free of charge, this time."

Harry drank the potion and watched in awe as red lettering appeared on the parchment. Four rings appeared on the desk.

"Your line begins with Peverell. Ignotus is your ancestor. His grandson married Godric Gryffindor's daughter. They moved from Wales to Scotland and changed their family name to Potter. Down the line, many married into the Potter family. Potters have only ever produced males, making it females and male bearers who married in. There is a Maia Black, Cassiopeia Black, and Dorea Black. There is a Evans Rosier, Adelaide Rosier, and Irma Rosier. There is a Priscilla Malfoy, and a Penelope Malfoy. There is Maurice Gaunt, Jonah Pepinski, Abdera Prewett, Septima Weasley, Moria Flint, Beatrice Longbottom, and Minerva Bulstrode. These are just on your father's side."

Harry was reeling. He was related to a lot of Dark Slytherin families.

"Your mother must have assumed that she was a Muggleblorn, because she never came to see her lineage. She was adopted."

"What?!"

Unglok simply nodded. "Yes. Her name is not Evans, but Donovan. The Donovan Line was destroyed by a warring line in the early sixties. She somehow came into the custody of the Evans family. The Donovan Line wasn't considered Pureblooded yet, because they were only at four generations of purity, not five, before they were destroyed. Also, her birth mother was only half human, making her a Halfblood. You are about ⅛ Aes Sidhe, which is like a pleasant counterpart to the Bean Sidhe. The elements are favorable to Aes Sidhe."

He just wanted to ask a question, and now he was swamped with all this information. His mother wasn't even related to Petunia! Which meant whatever protection that he received by living with Petunia, was null and void.

"You were blood adopted by Sirius Orion Black on the day of your birth, making him your godfather. And even if he didn't make you his Heir, you would have been the heir anyway, because you possess more blood ties to the House of Black, than the only other possible Heirs. The female Blacks that married into the Potter Line all came from the Main Branch of the Black Line, whereas the other Heirs are only related through their mothers, who are from the same Side Branch."

So much information to remember!

"Now, you possess Heirship of the Peverell Line, the Gryffindor Line, the Slytherin Line, the Potter Line, the Black Line, and the Donovan Line."

"Why Slytherin?"

He wasn't related to Slytherin.

Unglok sighed, "You don't even know the genealogy. The Gaunts were descendant of Salazar Slytherin's daughter marrying Ignotus Peverell's older brother, Cadmus. You are the Heir until Lord Slytherin has a child of his own. Then you would be Heir Apparent."

He was related to Voldemort in two ways!

"Um… Unglok, I'm currently trying to court Lord Slytherin. Will our blood relation be a problem with that?"

"No."

That was good.

"Since you are directly related to two Founders of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which was created before the Ministry of Magic came to be, there are clauses in the Hogwarts Charter that are meant to benefit Heirs.

Have you recently undergone anything that could only be done with sanction from a Ministry official who holds Head position of a department?"

Oh!

"I was forced to compete in the Tri-Wizard Tournament last year and Barty Crouch Senior, Ludo Bagman, and Professor Dumbledore all said I had to compete because my name came out of the Goblet of Fire."

Unglok's head fell into his hands. That happened a lot.

"Either you wizards are idiots - which is entirely possible - or you were played. You could have simply said no, if you didn't enter yourself, and the Goblet of Fire would remove you from the contract. The Goblet was made by Goblins after all. Unlike wizards, we thought ahead of the possibility of people being entered without their permission."

He wouldn't have had to do anything? Was he supposed to believe that Dumbledore - who was older than dirt - didn't know that about the cup? The bloody hell was going on?!

"Seeing as you had two Heads of two departments, as well as the permission of the Chief Warlock before his position was removed from him, you are well within your rights granted by the Hogwarts Charter, to claim lordship of all possible Houses. If lordship takes, you have been emancipated. You will need to put the Potter Ring on on your left index finger," Unglok explained, pointing to the third ring on his desk.

With a shrug, Harry did so, waiting for something to happen. The ring suddenly shrank, fitting his finger snugly.

One of the pieces of parchment on the desk, glowed blue.

"Congratulations, Lord Potter, you are emancipated. You may accept the lordship of the other rings now."

Harry added the Gryffindor, Donovan, and Peverell and watched as all four morphed into one silver ring, with four symbols on the black stone in the center.

"As you are emancipated, you can use magic freely. You can live anywhere you choose. You can accept your Wizengamot seats. You can demand trials and re-trials for prisoners. You can remove yourself from Hogwarts and enter another magical school if you wanted to.

On the other hand, you will also have to take control of your vaults by getting them back into circulation as well as dealing with the various businesses your grandfather invested in. Your father had no skill with finances and needed my help to do his work. I have managed the account as well as I was able. You will need to speak to the account managers of the other three lordships you possess, however."

Harry winced, "I still have the trial and I don't think I have time."

Unglok stared at him for a moment. "For a fee, Gringotts can provide you with a solicitor of our own. We have some of the best law wizards and Goblins available."

That sounded helpful.

"Who always wins?"

Unglok gave him a very creepy grin, sharp teeth visible. "Ragnarok the Resourceful. He had never lost a case and will surely be able to turn the entire situation to your benefit. He has had cases where his clients were actually guilty and ended up not being charged and walking away with their opponent's possessions."

Talk about clever. He must have a tongue made of quicksilver.

"He sounds wonderful, sir. I don't care about price right now. I want the Ministry to suffer for their stupidity."

Unglok's grin turned even nastier. "I like the way you think, Lord Potter."

* * *

When Harry and Ragnarok arrived at the Ministry with Mr. Weasley, they were informed that they were an hour late, which was odd considering that Harry's trial was still two hours away.

Come to find out that Minister Fudge illegally changed the timing, which earned him some sort of infraction. Two more and he'd be removed from the position as Head of the Trial.

Ragnarok had gotten the entire story from Harry. Every bit of detail that Harry could give him. Harry was sure that if he'd been allowed to attend Hogwarts, Ragnarok would be Slytherin.

The courtroom was full of oddly dressed people. The Wizengamot, Ragnarok had told him. Most of them looked extremely unhappy. Above the courtroom, floated dozens of Dementors, being kept back by some sort of shield.

The farce of a Trial began with Fudge attempting to speak over Harry every time he opened his mouth. Finally, one of the women in the Wizengamot got fed up and told him to be quiet.

Fudge asked if Harry cast the Patronus Charm.

Obviously he did.

Ragnarok interrupted Fudge before he could say anything further. "Why do wizards conjure a Patronus, Minister Fudge or do you not know?"

"To fend off Dementors of course!"

"And why would any wizard just randomly conjure a spirit guardian, unless they were in danger?"

Some Wizengamot members nodded to this.

Fudge sputtered.

"Quite frankly, I'm surprised that my client hasn't been questioned yet, just attacked. Accused. Instead of asking why he did it, you tried to move right on to sentence him.

My client lives in a Muggle house, in a Muggle neighborhood, with no other magical beings for miles. His family knows about his magic and yet he had to perform a powerful, advanced charm, in order to save himself and his Muggle cousin. Mere moments afterward, he is informed that he is expelled for using magic in front of a Muggle... who already knows of magic."

Some of the Wizengamot members mumbled among themselves. Some looked at each other.

"The Muggle cousin is in a Muggle hospital. According to my client, he is ill, unable to speak, his body temperature dropped enough that he was turning blue around the neck, where a Dementor held him off the ground. He couldn't even walk back to their home, my client had to drag him the whole way back. And his guardians were not pleased.

I find it interesting how two Ministry controlled creatures managed to make their way to England - exactly where my client lives - and just so happened to attack him for no reason.

This does not paint the Ministry in a good lighting thanks to the various Ministry officials who have debasing a minor to the Daily Prophet for the past month. An offence that we will be taking issue with, I assure you."

Ragnarok had a grin on his face that made Unglok look like a cute angel. It was slightly terrifying and Harry was glad that he wasn't on the receiving end of that facial expression.

The gathered witches and wizards looked ill. The woman who snapped at Fudge seemed worried.

"My client also is willing to give a memory of the event and would testify under Veritaserum."

Harry nodded just to make sure that people got the point.

"Memories can be tampered with!" protested Fudge.

Harry looked to Ragnarok, "Really?"

"A branch of the mind art allows it, but there are few capable of it."

"Dumbledore!" Fudge hissed.

"What does he have to do with this?" Harry asked. "He's nowhere to be found. He's my headmaster, not my guardian. Leave him out of this."

"Aside from Albus Dumbledore's magical ability, there is also truth serum that can be given. I find it convenient how you are trying to remove all possibility of giving evidence. Perhaps we shall take a visit to the Muggle hospital to see the Muggle who was nearly Kissed because of the Ministry's failure?" Ragnarok suggested, a wicked gleam in his beady eyes.

"He-hem!"

The squeaky voice grated Harry's nerves instantly. He looked over, seeing a very toad like witch giving Ragnarok a creepy and incredibly false smile.

"Do forgive me, but it sounds as if you are implying that the Ministry is responsible for some sort of attack on Mr. Potter's life."

"That is exactly what I'm implying, especially since no one has denied it."

Her mouth tightened and yet still there were no denials. Interesting.

"The ability to order Dementors is impossible," the woman stated.

Harry scoffed, "No it isn't. Fudge ordered a Dementor to kiss Barty Crouch Jr. last year, without giving the man a trial. I was there. He brought a Dementor into Hogwarts against the Headmaster's will. Also, the Headmaster can communicate with Dementors perfectly fine. Unless you wish to admit that professor Dumbledore is better at controlling Ministry watched creatures than Fudge is?"

Jaws dropped at his blatant disrespect.

"As for this farce of a trial, go ahead and expel me. Snap my wand. I will be leaving Britain post haste and head for France. New wand, new school, new Ministry that wouldn't mind having the Boy-Who-Lived wanting to join their magical community. I will take all of my monies and the support of my Houses with me."

It wasn't like magical Britain was that great to begin with. Not after learning that there was magic in other countries as well.

Madam Bones was giving Fudge a glare. "I'm interested, Cornelius, in why a full Wizengamot trial was even called for something as simple as underage magic."

The man sputtered.

"You are but a minor, you can't do as you wish," the squeaky toad woman from before sneered.

Harry lifted his hand, displaying his rings. "Lord Potter, Gryffindor, Donovan, and Peverell."

Gasps filled the room. It was so fun to shock people!

And now they had to tread lightly, or else the Gryffindor Line would be leaving Britain forever.

"You know what, when this is over, Ragnarok, I'd like to sue all the people who bad mouthed me to the Prophet," Harry added, feeling vindictive. "In fact, maybe I'll just buy the Prophet and burn it to the ground."

That sounded nice.

Madam Bones sighed. "I find this entire ordeal ridiculous. Mr. Potter is being charged for protecting himself and a Muggle he is related to. Protecting them both from creatures that should have been tightly under Ministerial control. I would personally go with Mr. Potter to visit his ill cousin if he so wishes to take me."

Ragnarok noticed Harry's confusion and mumbled, "She's the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. This would be easier if she is on your side."

The woman stood. "In fact, a few moments of waiting shall do you all some good. Mr. Potter, please come with me, direct me to where we must go."

Harry nodded quietly and followed her from the courtroom. She led him to the various Floos all over the atrium. "To the Leaky Cauldron and we'll take the Knight Bus from there."

When they reached the Leaky Cauldron, Harry took her into the Muggle side of London and around a small corner, they were disillusioned and she called for the bus. Stan Shunpike greeted them and gave the order of their destination. Harry paid the fee.

The hospital was small for Little Whinging.

"Harry got the directions to his cousin's room and was lucky that no one was there. Dudley was sitting up in his cot, looking terrible still. He barely reacted to Harry's entrance. Merely widened eyes.

"Dudley?"

He received a very slow nod.

"This is Madam Bones. She needs to speak with you."

No response, just a blankish stare.

The woman greeted him and leaned over to look deep within his eyes. She stood there for several seconds, before pulling back.

"He cannot see Dementors, since he has no magic, but the effects, the shivering and coldness. The ice. Even the warped vision others see when someone is Kissed, occurred. He is mentally scarred from it. He may have to go to St. Mungo's. Muggles don't have the necessary procedures to heal him. He could very well be brain dead."

Harry winced. He didn't like Dudley. Had been tormented by him for years. Was being bullied the day they were attacked! But he'd grown up believing that Dudley was related to him. To his mum. By their blood. And while they weren't actually blood family, Harry wasn't going to let bad things happen to him.

"I'd pay for his treatments," he offered.

"We'll discuss this at length after the trial is finished. We should go now, he isn't responding anyway."

About two minutes later, they walked back into the courtroom and Madam Bones gave her findings.

"The boy is beyond Muggle aid. Mr. Potter did not create the affects of everything else. He managed two spells. A non-verbal and wandless Lumos and the Patronus charm. Dementors attacked Harry Potter and as only certain Ministry officials have the power to order Dementors, all of them are under suspicion and a full investigation will be launched immediately.

All in favor of expelling the accused and snapping his wand?"

Two hands raised. Fudge and the toad woman.

"Those in favor of clearing the accused of all charges?"

Every other hand rose. Harry won.

That didn't mean that his business with Ragnarok and Madam Bones was over. Harry promised to mail the woman later and she promised to get a Mind Healer out to see Dudley.

Harry then had to return to Diagon Alley in order to have a private meeting on how to properly take down the Daily Prophet. Unglok was brought into the discussion since he managed Harry's accounts and assets over the years.

"Your grandfather made investments in the Daily Prophet and as the Potter Lord, you hold thirty-seven percent of the shares. To get the cooperation of the Prophet, you would need to own fifty-one percent and keep it. By holding more power than other shareholders, they have to go along with your demands because you cannot be out voted. As the Prophet is relatively small since it only touches British borders, there isn't much opposition and you'd be able to relieve people of their positions."

Harry grinned. This would be fun.

* * *

Voldemort stared at the new letter on his desk. It was addressed to him obviously and after a wave of the wand, it showed no signs of curses or magic at all.

He opened it.

_**To my delicious Dark Lord,** _

_**I have recently come to realize how many idiots inhabit the Ministry of Magic. I find it thoroughly disappointing that the best we have is Fudge of all people.** _

_**Like, I'm so sick of the rubbish they're spouting left and right. I even find myself agreeing with a lot of your goals and desires simply because the Ministry caters to Muggles and misinformed Muggleborns too bloody much.** _

_**There are things I would like to learn but if I even told anyone, I'd suddenly be evil. Evil. A subjective word.** _

_**Sorry that blood magic seems interesting but of course since it's labeled as Dark Arts, it must be evil, right? Idiots.** _

_**I'm sorry I'm ranting to you. It's just taxing to deal with.** _

_**Anyway, I haven't paid homage to your glorious self yet, and I shall do so now.** _

_**You're sexy.** _

_**That's the best I've got without getting graphic. Though… no I won't go there just yet. I'll be patient.** _

_**But really, you are a fine piece of male flesh.** _

_**Now, I found out that there's usually some sort of process to go through, but I'm not one for conventional methods and 'courting' sounds too stuffy. This is straight up wooing, my dear. Wooing.** _

_**Hopefully I can affect you the way you affect me. You wooed me unconsciously and I'm over here grasping at the straws, trying to find something interesting about myself to gain your intrigue.** _

_**So… here's a small list of facts.** _

_**1\. I mastered the Patronus when I was 13.** _

_**2\. I can make my hair grow whenever it's cut too short. I might be a partial Metamorph.** _

_**3\. I am the lord of four houses and heir to two others.** _

_**4\. Green is my favorite color.** _

_**5\. My greatest fear is a Dementor. I see and hear horrible things.** _

_**6\. I'm a Halfblood who was raised by horrible Muggles that I cannot stand!** _

_**7\. I hate greed.** _

_**8\. I am ⅛ Aes Sidhe. Hope it doesn't offend you.** _

_**I hope those are good enough for now.** _

_**I eagerly await your reply, oh sexy one.** _

_**H. Jarvis Privet.** _

Voldemort sat back in his chair. This admirer seemed genuine. And young. Their choice of language gave them away. He wondered who was foolish enough to try to 'woo' the Dark Lord.

He looked at the brown owl in front of him. It was waiting for him to send a reply.

Why not?

He summoned a sheet of parchment and prepared a quill. Time to learn.

* * *

He got a reply! Hedwig returned with a reply!

Harry was clutching the letter to his chest, jumping up and down.

His day had just gotten better.

He eagerly opened it.

_**Mr. Privet,** _

_**You'll have to forgive me if I'm not jumping for joy. No one has ever dared to get so personal with Lord Voldemort. While your candidness is refreshing in a sense, I am afraid that my eyes are set on another and any further attempts of yours will be in vain.** _

_**Lord Voldemort.** _

It was better than he had hoped for!

He'd just have to be more interesting than whoever held his Dark Lord's attention!

* * *

**A/N: Another is done.**

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idiots in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, their just so stupid it's hilarious.

**A/N: Hello, people!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**I have no beta.**

**ENJOY!**

**CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR.[HELLY-WATERMELONSMELLINFELLON](http://helly-watermelonsmellinfellon.tumblr.com/). I FOLLOW BACK.**

* * *

Harry stared down at the letter he'd gotten. Mr. Rizze seemed to be very sure of himself. Harry got a vaguely Lucius Malfoy vibe from the man behind the letter. Signifigantly less of an arsehole though. Brilliant if what Harry got out of his last letter had anything to do with it.

He had to wonder how the man learned that Harry liked blokes. Though maybe he just assumed that he was good enough to turn Harry's attentions from the 'fairer sex'. If so, a little pompous of him.

**_Dear Mr. Potter,_ **

**_I felt that I should warn you ahead of time. The Ministry plans on running interference with Hogwarts this year. Cornelius Fudge is appointing his Senior Undersecretary as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. They both wish to tear down your efforts and plan to manipulate your grades. Be smart and outwit them._ **

**_It may seem harsh, but anything you can do to get the woman fired, would be a blessing. She will not be holding practicals this year and intends to 'teach' the students about how there is no such thing as dark lords and that the Minister - in this case Fudge - is always right._ **

**_Do not trust her, she has a history of targeting Halfbloods and Muggleborns and magical creatures. She is the reason for most anti-Muggle legislation that have been passed in the last twenty years._ **

**_On a brighter note, I am pleased that you accepted my suit and I hope that in the future, we can continue our correspondence more often._ **

**_My owl is named Charon. He will bite if not shown proper respect._ **

**_Do not hesitate to ask me for help. I will do all that I can for you._ **

**_Sincerely yours,_ **

**_Therese M. Rizze._ **

Harry flushed at the end. 'All that I can for you' seemed too good to be true.

* * *

Harry Potter's take over of the Daily Prophet was a riot and a half. The entire British, wizarding community was turned on its axis when several prominent figures in the Ministry and Prophet were sued into bankruptcy by the young Lord. Their comments about a minor over the past year and a half, coming back to bite them all on the arses.

If he had been a normal child, he wouldn't have gotten much, but as he was the Heir to many prominent Houses at the time and the Boy-Who-Lived, his rights were strengthened and he raked in over five billion Galleons out of thirteen wizards and two witches.

The Smith House, an Ancient and Noble House that was rumored to be the last line of Helga Hufflepuff, was destitute and no long Noble. The Most Noble House of Malfoy, lost a considerable amount of their money, as well as their status as a Most Noble House. The Diggory Family which had been on its way to becoming a Noble House, was also poor. Harry wouldn't have taken their money if Amos Diggory hadn't seen fit to blame him for Cedric's death. Dolores Umbridge, who would apparently be the new DADA professor, was also left without much. Cornelius Fudge was also among the lot, his family losing it's Noble status quickly as the funds dried up.

A few other families were left in debt and in the end, all of them had to request loans from the Goblins in order to get by. And with those actions, they put themselves in even more debt, because owing debts to the Goblins was like a lifelong situation. You never got out of it once it occurred.

The hierarchy was in stages.

Noble was a family that had an amount of one million Galleons. Ancient was a family that was at least five hundred years old. Ancient and Noble was a family at least five hundred years old and with over one million Galleons to their name. Most Ancient was a family that was at least nine centuries old. Most Noble was a family that amassed at least one billion Galleons. A Most Ancient and Noble House was a family that had over one billion Galleons and was over nine hundred years old.

Harry held higher rank than most other families in magical Britain. The Longbottoms, Parkinsons, Rosiers, Bones', Macmillans, and Greengrass', were the only other families that could match him power for power or wealth for wealth, if he was only using either Potter or Black names one at a time. If he used all families at once, then Harry was the wealthiest and most politically powerful person in Britain.

Two days before his return to school, Mr. Rizze sent Harry something that he loved immediately and it made the man's ratings go up in Harry's book.

Rizze _found_ Pettigrew for him and sent him the stunned rat.

Harry immediately went down to the Ministry and demanded a trial full with Veritaserum. He was questioned, his mark was displayed, and he was found guilty and given the Dementor's Kiss as punishment.

A day later, Sirius Black was revealed to be an innocent man and because he was never convicted of a crime and was imprisoned illegally, he couldn't get into trouble for breaking out of Azkaban. Fudge and Umbridge glared daggers at a grinning Harry the entire time.

Harry was so happy at the miraculous turnaround his life had. He didn't have to go back to the Dursleys, Dudley was getting the mental help he needed and the Ministry had to pay for it since it was their creatures that caused his problems, Sirius was free, and Harry was in the process of wooing Voldemort. Could it get any better?

* * *

Harry hated Umbridge. It was plain as day and he made it his duty to report her detention to McGonagall.

He'd simply asked a question about whether they'd be doing practical work and she gave him detention. McGonagall was of no use as she simply told him to keep his head down that year and do as the woman said.

So Harry in a fit of annoyance, went to detention.

He never heard of the quill she made him use, but the words 'I must not tell lies' were gouged into the back of his left hand.

Once his detention was finished, he gave the woman a smile and asked if she thought she'd get away with using an instrument like that on him. She said she had the Minister's full permission to do as she wished while being a professor of Hogwarts as well as High Inquisitor and even showed him the parchment with both of their signatures.

He proceeded to stun her and take the quill and parchments he wrote on and her own parchment. From her office, he used the Floo and Flooed on over to the Ministry where he bought the quill, parchments, and his bloodied hand to Madam Bones.

"Lord Potter, shouldn't you be in school?" she asked when she saw him.

"I'm breaking some rules right now, but I felt it urgent to inform you. I just had detention with Umbridge and she made write lines."

He handed over the parchments. "I thought it was odd when her special quill had red ink and didn't need any of my own ink. But then this happened," he explained, showing his hand and the quill.

Madam Bones gasped. "That's a Black Quill! Dolores created them five years ago and they are to only be used for signing documents in blood. They are a Ministry controlled item and only Heads of Departments have the power to obtain them."

"Well, this gets better. The last of those parchments is an agreement between she and Fudge to do whatever she wants in the school while she's there. Everything is done with Fudge's permission. She bragged about it when I asked if she thought she'd get away with it. I'd like it go on record that I want her head on a platter and I'm going to Ragnarok immediately after this to settle the lawsuit."

Madam Bones was staring at the parchment. She even moved her wand over it a few times. "It's authentic. I'll need your memories of the event. Are you willing to testify under Veritaserum?"

"Absolutely. So long as I approve of the questions that will be asked beforehand."

"A lot of people get taken advantage of because they don't specify their agreement for questioning. You're lucky to have thought of it."

"Ragnarok told me actually," he admitted with a flush.

"Good for him. He takes his duties seriously."

* * *

Dolores Jane Umbridge was relieved of her position merely three days after receiving it. Cornelius Oswald Fudge was found guilty of aiding her illegal actions and proof of their plans was found in his office.

Fudge was placed in Azkaban with a sentence of ten years. Umbridge was Kissed.

Harry returned to Hogwarts early morning on September third and was confronted by Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape.

He shrugged when being accused of breaking the rules and his simple answer was, "You should have listened to me when I said I was given detention for no reason. Obviously that was suspicious. And now she's gone for good." He then looked to McGonagall and raised his still carved hand. "By the way, thank you for ignoring my pleas for help, yet again. You have proven to be useless as a Head of House."

McGonagall sputtered that she was a good Head of Gryffindor and he proceeded to list all of her infractions.

"First year, we told you that someone was trying to steal the Philosopher's Stone, you ignored us. Oh look, we were right and had to do _your job_ to protect it! Second year, I'm an outcast for talking to snakes.  _I_  can speak to all animals but apparently only speaking the snake language is bad. You didn't defend me. I got attacked by Dementors too much in third year and instead of telling me how I could defend myself, you did nothing. Even when Sirius broke into the tower you were set on believing that Ron was lying instead trying to verify if he was telling the truth. I had to go to the new professor who held a post belonging to people who have tried to kill me, for help.  _He_  taught me an advanced charm so I could protect myself. Fourth year, you never once told me I could take legal action against the Daily Prophet. You let them drag my name through the mud. You let the school do it too. You never hinted that I was the Heir to a Most Ancient and Noble House and that I could have stopped all of this drama a long time ago. And yesterday when I came to you, you told me to keep my head down and do as Umbridge said.

So no, I don't trust you. You can't be trusted with your students' safety and you're a useless Head of House."

"That is no way to speak to your Head of House," chastised Dumbledore.

Harry rounded on him.

"You! I found out that you were my Magical Guardian and you did nothing by me this whole time. You're worse than she is. You dumped a fifteen month old baby on a doorstep in the middle of the night and didn't even check up on him once. You didn't plan on telling me about the Potter House. Or about Sirius. If he hadn't broken out of prison, I never would have known about him. The first time I saw my parents was in the Mirror of Erised. You couldn't even give me a photograph of them. Hagrid ended up being the one to do it. As for Lily and James, I know next to nothing about them. I had James' hair, I have Lily's eyes, James was an unregistered Stag Animagus, Lily wasn't Muggleborn, she was a Halfblood and part creature, and James was bad with finances. That's all I know. And why did I have to learn most of this from my Potter Account Manager? Why couldn't you be bothered to do your job?" Harry sneered.

"And let's get into the whole, banning my friends from writing to me. I watched someone be murdered. I was forced into a ritual. Hell, I was under the Cruciatus Curse three times. I got no healing for that. You sent me away without helping me. You forbid me any contact with the magical world and I'm sitting there with worry the whole time. You are the worst guardian ever. What is wrong with you? Did Voldemort hit you with something, because no one can be this stupid accidentally."

Dumbledore and McGonagall gaped at him. Snape was blank for once. He showed no emotion at all.

Harry turned away. "I'll serve my detention for leaving the grounds without permission, but do not bother me again. I am emancipated thanks to the former Chief Warlock's lack of action during the Triwizard Tournament. I will not stand around and be treated like some puppet on a string. From this moment on, I am done with it. If Voldemort wants Britain, he can have it. I'll move to Australia."

 _Or join him_ , though that part was left silent.

* * *

"What news do you bring, Severus?" Voldemort asked as his fingers trailed over his wand slowly.

Severus was kneeling before his lord's desk. "Potter seems to have given up on Dumbledore. The boy has also gotten Fudge imprisoned and Umbridge Kissed. It'll be in the prophet tomorrow morning."

Voldemort smirked to himself. The boy took advice rather well. He could feel the pride filling him.

"Keep me updated, Severus."

"My lord."

Once the spy was gone, Voldemort sat back in his chair. He hadn't expected the boy to work so quickly, but he was impressed nonetheless.

The letter on the desk made him feel all warm inside, after the anger passed at least. A feeling he wasn't used to.

_**Hello,** _

_**Thanks for the warning. I was able to prepare myself a little. She gave me detention and made me write lines in my own blood. The lines carved into my hand.** _

_**I went after her and she's been Kissed. Fudge is in Azkaban and elections are coming faster this year.** _

_**I feel like I owe you something, so the rose is for you. Don't take it too personally though. I am in the middle of trying to court someone and this doesn't mean that I choose you.** _

_**With many thanks,** _

_**Harry.** _

This was okay. He simply had competition. But it wasn't like anyone could match Lord Voldemort.

* * *

**A/N: Another one is done.**

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idiots in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Humor.

**A/N: Hello, people!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**I have no beta.**

**ENJOY!**

**CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR.[HELLY-WATERMELONSMELLINFELLON](http://helly-watermelonsmellinfellon.tumblr.com/). I FOLLOW BACK.**

* * *

**_To the Dark Lord of all Things Sexy,_ **

**_You'll never believe it, but I'm being courted by someone and they're being all fancy about it. Like, they really think that they can nab my attention from you? No one can compare to your sexy self._ **

**_And then your intelligence. They could never pass that. I know a lot about you, you see. More than you'd think. You had some good grades in school, Mr. Head Boy._ **

**_Yes, I know who you really are and I don't care. Because the current you are what interests me. Like, while I find your teen self to be attractive, there is just something about your body now, that I find infinitesimally more appealing. Especially from the times I've seen you and you don't look constipated from having to wear a false smile all the bloody time._ **

**_My Lord… Merlin I like the sound of that. I just repeated it several times. I wouldn't mind kneeling before you, though the reason can be left to your imagination, My Lord._ **

**_Damn. I'm hot under the collar._ **

**_Okay, onto other matters._ **

**_I have enclosed a list of things I like and hate and I would very much appreciate it if you could put check marks beside the things you also agree with or find interesting. While I know a lot about you, you don't know much about me and if I'm going to beat out this person that seems to so thoroughly hold your attention, I have to be spectacular._ **

**_Hoping to hear from you._ **

**_H. Jarvis Privet._ **

**LIKES AND DISLIKES:**

**I hate it when people try to tell me that my blood status makes me weak. I am a Halfblood and I am one of the most powerful wizards around. I know this for a fact. Blood status means nothing where my power is concerned.**

**I love to read books about Runes.**

**I hate how Dumbledore seems to think himself the governing being of the universe.**

**I love how Professor Snape just kind of stares at people when he's had enough of their stupidity.**

**I hate bullies. I've dealt with far too many in my life.**

**I love snakes.**

**I hate it when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.**

**I love sitting beside the Black Lake at night, the water calms me.**

**I hate Dementors.**

**I love treacle tart.**

**I hate how some Slytherins aren't embodying what Slytherin stands for and instead make everyone assume the worst.**

**I love holding my wand and feeling the power that just seems to understand me.**

**I hate how when I use another person's wand, it always tries to form a connection with me. Like, why does it do that?**

**I love how Parseltongue sounds. It's sexy. ;)**

**I hate Divination, it's a load of rubbish.**

**ANSWERS WOULD BE APPRECIATED!**

Voldemort was certain that this child was insane. But, he was able to glean some information about them.

They were of Slytherin House. They talked as if they had seen him up close before, hence the knowledge of what Parseltongue sounded like. He'd met all of the children of his followers and he'd have to compile a list in order to deduce who it was that was writing to him.

But he also knew that this child was lord of four houses and heir of two, so that would make it easier on him. But they were also a Halfblood and Voldemort did not have many followers not of Pureblood descent.

* * *

When Harry received a letter early morning during the second week of school, he had to physically withhold the squeal that longed to come from his mouth. Voldemort had replied.

Basically he just checked off all of the numbers that he agreed with but that was a reply and Harry was going to take everything that he could get.

The looks on Hermione and Ron's faces when they saw the very demonic looking owl land in front of Harry, were hilarious. His friends had always been rather protective of him, and they had worried that somebody had put Harry on their hit list. He recently had to inform them that he was in the middle of a courtship and that there was nothing wrong.

It was good to know ahead of time whether he and Voldemort could agree on certain subjects. That was why Harry sent the list. He needed to know ahead of time in order to make sure that he could either understand Voldemort's different point of view or if he may need to change anything about his point of view personally.

So, Harry had a Dark Lord too woo. Harry really wanted to do this correctly, but he wasn't the kind to go and purchase a bracelet and then send it and hope for all hopes that Voldemort would decide to wear a bracelet. Voldemort didn't seem the type to wear bracelets. In fact, the thought of such a terrifying man wearing such an object, was hilarious. And hilarious and Voldemort should obviously never be put in the same sentence.

Harry was still receiving mail from Mr. Rizze. It seemed that the man was very confident in himself and that he was going to gain Harry's positive affections all on his own. He could see the man as an acquaintance and perhaps later on in life, maybe a good friend, but he just didn't seem the kind of person that Harry will fall in love with. Also, the fact that he wasn't Voldemort was a rather large indication that he wasn't interested. Not that he was going around telling people that he was trying to court Voldemort. If people knew that, they'd think he was insane, well, at least more insane than they already assumed he was.

Therese actually knew a lot about the happenings in the Ministry which was slightly scary. It was also a point of interest because Harry had a feeling that he was being courted by a Ministry worker or at least somebody who knew somebody that worked in the Ministry. And if that was the case then. why would they be giving Ministry secrets away to Therese?

Harry locked away all of his letters to Voldemort and all of the letters that he had gotten in return and even the ones from Therese. It was better that way because he had some very nosey friends who felt that because they were his friends, they had a right to know everything about his life and decided that if they felt it necessary, they could rummage through his belongings and take what they find to a teacher in hopes of helping him. Not that he didn't love his friends, but he really didn't want them to know about his plans. It was unsafe to say, 'Hey guys, I'm courting the Dark Lord!'. Ron would most likely have a fit and Hermione, being the rule loving person that she was, would immediately list off all of the reasons he shouldn't fancy Voldemort. He was not prepared for that discussion yet so he was putting it off for a while.

His trunk had some extra luck this year. Harry had finally learned that if he cast a spell on Parseltongue, no one but him would be able to unlock or undo the effects of it. It was so wonderful! It was like a safety net, which was something that he seemed to need all the damn time.

Other than his new possessions, Harry was also treated very differently during the school year. All of the people who had - prior to the beginning of the school year - believed that he was a liar for claiming that the Dark Lord had returned to full power, were now looking at him in wonder. Because now, Harry Potter had a lot of power and political influence behind him and he wouldn't just allow people to walk all over him as if they owned him. Also, Harry's blatant dislike of Dumbledore seemed to put people off. Everyone noticed that he obviously was not happy with their Headmaster. Very few actually got up the courage to ask him why. It wasn't like it was any of their business, so Harry would simply tell them to ask Dumbledore.

The Hufflepuffs in particular, seemed to view him as some sort of enemy. Hufflepuffs had the problem of falling prey to rumors too much. The rumor mill of Hufflepuff claimed that Harry Potter was an up-and-coming Dark Lord and that he could not be trusted at all. That he was simply trying to take over Voldemort's position in order to poison the minds of his fellow classmates in order to get them under his wing so to speak. Every Hufflepuff, even the ones older than Harry himself, did their best to never be alone in a room with him. It was sort of pathetic. And now Harry could fully understand why he never had Hufflepuff friends.

As for the Ravenclaws, a lot of them seemed to be still full of themselves. They were under the impression that because they were intelligent, they were obviously better than everybody else. Hermione, who was supposed to be a Ravenclaw obviously, also got like that from time to time. She seemed to believe that because she was the brightest witch in their year, and held the highest ranks in all the grading - except Defense - that she was obviously better than others. That type of arrogance was annoying and Harry was getting very sick of it. At least Hermione was a bit more mellowed out this year. Probably because of the O.W.L.s coming up.

Ravenclaws were supposed to value acceptance and wit, but they valued neither. At least in this time. They didn't. Harry had yet to meet any accepting Ravenclaws. It just seemed that all of the Hogwarts Houses did not value what they were supposed to any longer.

The Gryffindors were the worst. Half of the time, Harry didn't like being around his own housemates. Simply because of the fact that all of them seemed to think that school wasn't really important and that all they had to do in life was to party, play games, joke around, and not pay attention to any of the important details around them. Harry was getting annoyed at the way the other people in the school treated Gryffindors. They assumed - though rightly so considering how Gryffindors have been acting as of late - that Gryffindors were idiots who were full of themselves. Harry Potter was not an idiot nor was he full of himself. He knew his limits and he stayed within them. Because of other people, Gryffindor now had a very bad reputation among the Hogwarts Houses and he was not appreciative of it.

And finally, there was Slytherin House. After many years of Hermione complaining that he and Ron never bothered to read books, Harry finally decided to pick up  _Hogwarts: A History_. In the book, it was labeled very specifically all of the various traits that the Houses were supposed to value. Slytherin House happened to be the closest House to valuing what they were supposed to, according to what legend said about Salazar Slytherin's beliefs.

Resourcefulness, cleverness, purity, cunning, and traditionalism were the major traits that Slytherin House celebrated. Out of every single one of those things, the Slytherins did in fact embody those traits. However, there was nothing in the history books - any of them - that stated that Salazar Slytherin hated those born from Muggles. Therefore, all of them assuming that Muggleborns were what Slytherin detested the most in the world, were foolish. Even in their second year, Professor Binns had stated very clearly that legend had been brought into obscurity and that all of their beliefs we're just obscured myths.

There was nothing funny about running around and insulting Muggleborns simply because they assumed that their Founder would be proud of them. There was nothing clever about getting caught. And they took the thoughts of purity too far. Several Slytherin families, though not only Slytherins of course, but there were a lot of the witches and wizards in Great Britain who disowned their family members for being born as Squibs and most of them were Purebloods of Slytherin House.

All in all, Hogwarts had become a nesting ground for stupidity and Harry Potter was not pleased with it. So with all of these thoughts in mind, Harry decided that he did not care what the rest of the school thought about his new changes. He was going to do what he wanted, when he wanted, and if people don't like, it they could go jump off a balcony.

One of the people who really didn't like his miraculous turn around, was McGonagall. Of course it could just be because he had told her off in front of her colleague in Dumbledore's office, but he was certain that there was something else involved. Like the fact that he was no longer acting like a Gryffindor. In fact, he seemed to be emulating Snape a bit too much recently, without the whole being an arse thing getting involved. Harry and his association with the goblins of Gringotts Bank, had unknowingly unlocked his Slytherin potential. He found that acting like a Slytherin was actually rather fun and he would do it again and again and again, until he decided that he didn't want to any longer. He was also very certain that the whole 'not wanting to' would never actually occur.

Harry didn't care if McGonagall didn't like his turnaround, he was going to keep doing what he was doing and she could go stuff it.

On the thought of Snape, the dour professor hadn't said anything to Harry at all. Not on the first day of school, not on the second day of school, not in the first week of school, not in the first month of school. He didn't know why the man was keeping his usually acerbic words himself, but Harry was a little unnerved over it. It wasn't like he could snark back when the man wasn't being snarky first. And if Harry blatantly disrespected a professor to their face, people would obviously think that he got a little too big for his britches. So Harry normally waited for the snake to make the first move so that he could retaliate, this was how the relationship worked. But  _nooooo_ , with the git acting all abnormal, Harry's usual entertainment and easy dislike of the man were gone. And it wasn't fair!

* * *

**_Dear Mr Potter,_ **

**_I was writing to inform you that I am rather impressed with your swift movements regarding Dolores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge. I hadn't thought that you would move so quickly. Your pure determination to take them out of the photo, so to speak, is admirable._ **

**_On another note, I am not all too well pleased with the people that they are choosing for the next elections. Pius Thickeness, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and Miranda Everglatt, are all inept. Pius is a pureblood who thinks himself too important. If he were to take up the position as Minister for Magic, the man who will no doubt attack Halfbloods and Muggleborn. if Shacklebolt is the victor, then all of Magical Britain will fall into the Light. Shacklebolt follows Dumbledore and Dumbledore's people. It is not in the best interest for Magical Britain to be under his rule. As for Miranda, she's getting on in years and doesn't know a thing about managing a government position. I am so frustrated with this._ **

**_Not that I want to bog you down with all of my annoyance with our current government, I just felt that you needed to know. However, if you do not take my word for it, you could also check up this information at any given time. As I know that you have a certain dislike for Albus Dumbledore these days, I can assure you that Shacklebolt would not be in your best interest to vote for. As a lord you will have to vote. I am not trying to tell you how to vote or who to vote for, I am simply giving you advice. Obviously, you make your own decisions on your own time._ **

**_A friend of mine has informed me that you have made quite a splash this year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One of his children sent a letter home about you. You were different from the prior four years of school. There is also some worry that you have turned dark and evil._ **

**_I for one believe that evil is the subjective word. No one can ever truly know what the word even means because we all have a different definition of what we believe to be evil. I used to not believe in good or evil at all, that was simply my opinion. However, I have realized that there are several things in life that I would never do nor would I ever condone them to be done and I would label them as evil. However I would not label everything that is all sunshine and roses and happiness to be the standard 'good'. There are enough psychopaths out there who are happy all the time as they frolic in the sunshine in a field of bloodied daisies. Light does not mean good. Dark does not mean evil. I wish people could understand this._ **

**_I will inform you at this moment, that I am what is considered a dark wizard. I have a dark magical core, it's that simple. Having a core that is more attuned to Dark magic than it is to Light magic does not make me bad. Our Ministry however, is full of idiots who do not know what they are doing. They have also allowed religious Muggleborns to come into our world, bringing their false philosophies and theories with them, and they allow them to change our history. So much has changed. It's disgusting._ **

**_I don't hate Muggleborns, I am simply fed up with how the Ministry of Magical Britain caters to their every whim. We do not go over to the Muggle world and demand that they change everything for our benefit, so why do we have to give up all of our traditions in order to make the Muggleborns more comfortable? Why do we have to lose ourselves?_ **

**_I have ranted enough. I apologize. This just happens to be something that I feel very strongly about, but I shall endeavor to keep my thoughts to myself in the near future._ **

**_On another note, I look forward to hearing a response from you. Good luck with your schooling this year, I know that the Ordinary Wizarding Level Examinations are very tiresome. Make sure that you rest, make sure that you eat enough, make sure that you study._ **

**_With great interest,_ **

**_Therese M. Rizze._ **

* * *

Voldemort hadn't been this excited in a very long time. All of the information he was getting from his very loyal subjects all about Harry Potter and his movements, were enlightening. He liked the fact that Harry Potter was no longer under Dumbledore's thumb. It showed that the boy actually knew how to think for himself. Voldemort really liked the fact that Harry could think for himself. Now if only he can get Harry to think for himself while doing it in Voldemort's direction.

There was so much potential and Voldemort really wanted to be the one to tap into it. His courtship of the boy was very stable. The boy admitted to already being courted by somebody else and he stressed it very clearly that he had not chosen Voldemort. In any way. But Voldemort wasn't a quitter. Oh no, he would fight for what he wanted until his dying breath. Of course the fact that he actually couldn't die did factor into it, but he would fight until he couldn't fight any longer. And Harry Potter was definitely someone worth fighting for.

Now, if only Voldemort could shake off this H. Jarvis Privet person. But Mr. Privet did not seem put off by Voldemort's standoffish attitude. He seemed to find it even more attractive.

The boy who was currently infatuated with him, seemed to need a bit of mental assistance.

Voldemort gave a sigh.

At least the boy was entertaining.

* * *

**A/N: Another is done.**

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voldemort doesn't play fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Humor, feels, sad, shit happens.

**A/N: Hello, people!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**I have no beta.**

**ENJOY!**

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* * *

_Inhumanly pale fingers wrapped around his cock, pulling slowly, carefully, wringing little mewls of pleasure from him._

_Harry gasped, back arching invitingly as he begged for his Lord to take him. Fill him with what he'd been craving for so long._

_Crimson eyes bore into his own, a smirk on unnaturally thin lips taunted him._

_"My Harry, what do you want?"_

_"Please!"_

_Voldemort tutted, slowing his strokes. "Come now, Harry, you know that isn't good enough," the Dark Lord teased, rubbing his thumb against Harry's slit. "Be the brave little Gryffindor you are and tell your Lord what you need."_

_Harry whined, "You! Inside me, please!"_

_§ **Good boy,** § purred the dark wizard._

Harry jolted awake, feeling regret and sadness fill him. Another bloody dream. Another night of waking up with an erection. These were becoming torturous. So he craved Voldemort's extremely attractive form. So what?

He just wished he'd get to the part when he saw Voldemort's cock. That was a sight he was begging for.

* * *

Voldemort smirked, withdrawing from Harry's mind at a careful pace. When awake, it would be easier for the teen to feel the Dark Lord in his thoughts, but when asleep, his consciousness was free game.

So manipulating his dreams into what the Dark Lord desired was easy. Slowly filling the boy with all thoughts of him, to make it easier when he revealed his true self. He knew that otherwise, the boy would hold no interest in him whatsoever.

He opened his crimson eyes, staring at the men and women prostrate before him. The only one who had his attention in full, however, was Severus.

"What news do you bring, Severus?"

"My Lord, Dumbledore has put me in charge of the Defense classes as well as the Potions classes."

Voldemort leaned back in his throne, eyes sparkling. "And what are the skills of the children, like?"

Judging from the nervous twitching among his followers, not very good for their children.

"My Lord, the Ravenclaws are too analytical. They spend their duels trying to develop strategies and end up losing more often then not. Hufflepuff's do not like to inflict damage unless given good cause. Unless fighting for a friend, they will resort to first and second year spells. Gryffindors - most of them at least - seem to grasp more of the spells, but are too thick to think ahead on how to use them. There are few exceptions unfortunately. In Slytherin, I am ashamed to say that my students don't have a wide enough grasp on magic or how utilize it."

When denials and cries of ' _liar!_ ' arose from the gathered Death Eaters, Voldemort silenced them with a mere hiss.

"Continue, Severus."

"My Lord. I am the only professor to champion the Slytherins, but their decadence has grown to be too much. Not one Slytherin managed to win a duel without cheating and the cheating came in the form of Muggle brawling."

Voldemort's ever so thin nostrils flared, eyes alighting upon the various worried gazes of his Death Eaters.

"My Lord, I have ceased catering to the whims of Slytherin House when in both Potions and Defense classes. They need to learn and soon, because Gryffindor seems to be the House that puts them to shame and it is not acceptable. Above all else, my top student in Defense - I regret to say - is Potter. And in Potions, I also regret to inform you that my top student is Granger."

Voldemort felt a spark of pride that his Harry was doing so well that even Severus had to admit it. He didn't care much about Potions and who led there even if she was a Muggleborn.

"Do not go easy on them, Severus. I want my Slytherins to show skill. Their cocksure attitudes will need to be dealt with."

"Yes, my Lord."

He relished the looks of fear that bled over his follower's faces. In realization of the fact that Voldemort himself was going to straighten their spawn out. Such delicious fear. He basked in the scent of it.

Nagini curled around his throne, § _ **The hatchling provides further entertainment?**_ §

§ _ **He is not a hatchling anymore, Nagini. He is of the age to bear children.**_ §

The great serpent bowed her head. § _ **He is rather small, though. He wouldn't have made a good meal.**_ §

§ _ **Maybe not your kind of meal, but**_ **I** _ **will devour him.**_ §

Voldemort enjoyed the shivers and looks of wariness that came from his Death Eaters. Parseltongue always instilled the proper respect and fear.

"Keep me informed, Severus."

"Yes, my Lord."

* * *

Harry sighed. Classes were a little difficult but with Hermione's insistence studying for the O.W.L.s, he'd been doing a lot better lately. He'd also bought a charmed quill that would take dictation from him, meaning he wouldn't have write any of his assignments out. He also lent it to Ron to make their lives easier.

With more time on his hands to think, Harry was considering. He was scrawny. How could he expect Voldemort to want to touch him at all when he was so unhealthy?

Since he wasn't the best at Potions, partially because he couldn't see the blackboard, but also because he was being spiteful to Snape, he'd have to ask Hermione for help.

The witch had looked ready to cry when she learned of why he was so small.

"I know of a Potion, but it must be made delicately and you must take it during its different stages and it's in the restricted section, so we need permission and giving how your relationship with our Head of House is, she isn't the way to go."

"Who could we go to?"

"Professors Snape or Flitwick."

"Flitwick!"

She proceeded to drag him to Flitwick.

The diminutive professor accepted them into his office easily and asked what they needed help with. Hermione took control.

"Sir, Harry is looking to make a particular potion that will bring him to the physical rightness he is supposed to be at. A rather neglect filled childhood has left him with a lot of ailments. Not just his eyes, but his weight, height, and general health. He's only seen a Muggle Healer once in his life and I'm sure his glasses aren't even a prescription. Unfortunately, the potion he needs to brew can only be found in  _Moste Potente Potions_ , which is in the restricted section and as our Head of House is currently suffering the silent treatment for neglectful actions toward her students, he didn't want to ask her for help, so he came to me."

Flitwick frowned, "Minerva is neglectful?"

Harry turned away, refusing to rehash that old arguement. Hermione sighed.

"Instead of listening to her students when they have genuine worry or fears, instead of offering help when it is need, and generally not being around, Harry feels that she is lacking-"

"Inept!"

" _lacking_  in her duties. He refuses to speak with her."

"Well, I suppose I could give you permission, but I suggest bringing your plans to Severus. He is the youngest Potions Master in history and would better know what to do to make an even better potion. His are always of finer quality than those you find in shops, because he reworks the recipes."

Hermione slapped a hand over Harry's mouth before he could say anything and accepted the permission form. "Thank you sir, we'll do that."

A few moments later, a grumbling Harry and a studious Hermione were on their way down to the dungeons with the very book they needed.

"You're going to have to order a lot of ingredients," she warned.

"That's okay, anything to not be… this."

"Harry, you look fine. Most of your malnourishment is only visible in your height."

"Yes, because five foot, three inch, fifteen year old boys are the norm."

"Don't be a git."

"Meh."

Hermione gave a firm knock on the office door, back straight.

" _Enter_."

"He even sounds like a prat," Harry murmured, earning a glare from Hermione.

She forced him to go in first and quickly shut the door behind them. Snape, who was sitting at his desk, looked up. He didn't glare, or sneer, simply stared, waiting for either of them to speak.

"Sir," Hermione began, voice strong. "Harry asked my help to brew a potion and we got permission from Professor Flitwick to retrieve the book it is in from the restricted section, but he suggested coming to you for help because your potions are 'of finer quality'."

Snape cocked a brow. "And what potion will Potter be attempting to brew?"

Harry glared, "The  _Ad Vitam_  potion."

Snape's eyes narrowed. "And you would be purchasing all ingredients, correct?"

"Yes… sir."

Snape pushed his parchments aside and linked his fingers under his chin. "Potter, you will need a medical scan from a licensed medical practitioner. To be a Potions Master, I must be licensed, but I think you'd prefer if Madam Pomfrey were to scan you. This potion must be take in particular stages to target the areas that need fixing. She would be able to tell you what you need.

Tell me, have you ever received a full medical scan from her?"

" _No_?"

Questioning because he was sure he hadn't, at least while awake.

"Then shall I call her over?"

Hermione asserted herself this time, "Yes, please."

A few moments later, Madam Pomfrey was tutting about Harry, complaining about Dumbledore and how he refused to give her consent on giving Harry his scan like all other first years.

"Off with the shirt, dear."

"Huh?"

"I can't have clothes in the way. I have seen you without a shirt before."

"But-"

"You denial doesn't look good," the old witch added with a frown.

"I'm not abused!" he insisted.

" _Harry_ ," Hermione began, looking ready to go off on a lecture.

"No! I'm not abused. I've seen abuse victims and I'm not one of them. Petunia doesn't have it in her hit people."

"Harry, there are more types of abuse than just physical. Tell her where you slept for the first ten years of your life. Or the bars from the window that are still in Mr. Weasley's barn."

Harry glared at his friend because she was making this look bad. He wasn't abused! Mildly neglected maybe, but not abused!

"Fine. They kept me in a cupboard even though they had two extra rooms-"

Pomfrey gasped.

"-but one was for Aunt Marge and the other was Dudley's second bedroom. I was not asked for, nor planned for. Someone dumped me on their doorstep on an early November morning without so much as a by your leave. They had nothing to raise me with, and no option of saying 'no'. They aren't required to give me toys and a proper bedroom. I had a cot, a pillow, a blanket, and two outfits made of Dudley's castaways.

I wasn't beaten. Sometimes my magic acted up - though I didn't know it - and I would be sent to the cupboard without dinner, but that is a normal punishment for Muggle children who misbehave. Things could have been better, yes, but they could have been much worse too."

"But Harry, they don't refer to you by your name. They barely give you the scraps of their food, their son is a spoiled brat while you've never celebrated your birthday or any other holiday. They've never given you a gift worth anything. They locked you in your room with three dead bolts and bars on your window. They forced you to hold back in school because they didn't want you to do better than your cousin. They let him and his gang bully you constantly! They told you horrible things about your mother and father. They did not tell you about your magic and punished you for no reason every time something went wrong.

Punishing a child without telling them why they are being punished can be considered abuse. Strange things happened and you knew that you did not do them, but were punished anyway. That is cruel.

Ron told me how self-deprecating you were on the train ride to Hogwarts in our first year. How you constantly flinched at every loud sound and would look for all exit points before relaxing even the slightest.

You are too small, Harry. Too thin, too pale. It's too much. You need to stop arguing in the favor of those…  _people_ , and do yourself some good for once."

Harry pouted as Madam Pomfrey tsked every now and then. She finally stepped back and allowed him to redress. Harry ignored Snape's blatant staring at his ribs, which were a little too visible, but not that bad compared to some people he had seen.

"Your eyes are in need of major help. You didn't eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, did you?"

"Almost never," he begrudgingly admitted.

"Your growth is severely stunted as I'm sure you've guessed. However your parents weren't very tall, so you won't grow much. Maybe two or three inches at most, but you fill out. No longer will your ribs be sticking out so obscenely.

Improperly healed breaks will realign themselves and heal properly.

Once healed completely, your magic can focus on other things. It's been keeping you relatively well for far too long. I tell you this now, your majority will be painful because your magical core has worked longer than most others twice your age can compare to. And taking this potion is going to hurt terribly."

Harry shrugged. "I don't mind. Pain is pain. I've endured the Cruciatus when it was cast by Voldemort, and I didn't scream. I think I can handle it."

Everyone but him flinched at the name, but he didn't care. One, he liked saying it. It rolled off his tongue in a very sensual manner. But the second reason was because he wasn't afraid of Voldemort, despite knowing what he was capable of.

And so Snape and Pomfrey agreed to help with the potion.

* * *

"My Lord, Potter has enlisted mine and the Medi-witch's aid in brewing the  _Ad Vitam_  potion for himself."

Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "Come to me, my Severus."

He did not hesitate unlike so many others. Yes, Severus was most certainly loyal. He opened himself to his Lord, allowing the serpentine man to view the memory.

While glad to see his little Harry was hoping to return to full health, he was not pleased that he needed so much of the potion.

"Help him, Severus. Harry Potter must be in perfect health for my plans."

"Yes, my Lord."

"You may be dismissed."

Voldemort sat back, fingers dancing over the letter he'd received before Severus had come to him.

Mr. Privet was surely an audacious character.

**_The Lord of Sexiness,_ **

**_I feel sort of bad that none of my friends know who I'm trying to woo here. I'm sure if they did, they'd think me mad. I probably am but that is okay. As long as we're mad together, nothing else matters._ **

**_On another note, you look like a king when sitting on your throne. I can just imagine you sitting on a throne of human skulls, with your familiar wrapped around you. And you being the centerpiece of this masterpiece, would be hissing sibilant praises to your followers - terrifying them because they wouldn't know you were saying - because they accomplished what you demand of them._ **

**_I'm hot under the collar again._ **

**_You are just… I can't even begin._ **

**_It's taking all of my strength to not turn this into some wanking fantasy._ **

**_My dear Lord, what do you do to me?_ **

**_As always._ **

**_H. Jarvis Privet._ **

The boy was aroused, obviously.

* * *

**A/N: Another is done.**

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ad Vitam should mean 'to life' in Latin.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well... Voldemort learns about Alien porn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AVP references.

**A/N: Hello, people!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

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* * *

**_Dear Harry,_ **

**_During your last letter I became aware of the fact that you see me as a sort of authority figure despite the fact that I am courting you. You do not need to refer to me so respectfully. Using my name won't hurt either of us. Also, using someone's name doesn't bring you any more emotionally closer to them. A name is a name. It's the actions of that person and yourself that bring you together._ **

**_I suggest you look up Moste Potente Potions, Nimbly, Potions Through the Ages, Arithmancy Bests Divination, Divination: A Joke or a Blessing?, Morgoth's Magick, Magick Moste Evile, and Ages of Arithmancy and Algorithms. No other books share these names as they are at the top of their sections. You may find the first three in the Hogwarts library if you can manage to acquire a pass for the Restricted section. If you cannot, perhaps one of your estates will have a library you may use._ **

**_Most of the others can be owl ordered._ **

**_If you do manage to to gain access to the library, you can use the spell 'Replicare Gemino' to copy the information from one book to another. It isn't taught in Hogwarts' curriculum, and no protections were on these books when I got my hands on them. Also, the spell itself is considered Dark in nature so of course Dumbledore wouldn't allow it to be taught in the school._ **

**_I expect to hear great things of you when the O.W.L.s come along. My advice to you would be to brush up on your wandless magic. I attained some of the highest scores in Britain's history simply by performing some spells wandlessly. Non-verbal casting will also get you far because that isn't taught until sixth year Defense class._ **

**_You may wish to know that on the Astronomy exam for your O.W.L. there are four trick questions. Tell your friends if you'd like. I feel honor bound not to specify which questions they are, but I will state that they are on the last two pages._ **

**_I fervently hope that your holidays will be enjoyable. I'm not one for celebrating Yule or Christmas. I was never the type to 'have fun'. I wouldn't know what to do if I did decide to celebrate a holiday of some sort._ **

**_Expect my gift some time within the week of Christmas._ **

**_As always,_ **

**_Therese M. Rizze._ **

Harry had written down the list of the books Therese had given. While not inherently interested in beginning a romantic relationship with the man - because how could he ever measure up to Lord Voldemort? - Harry did feel a sort of affection. Admiration. Almost like a friend or a brother. It reminded him of how he felt when Fred and Geroge paid attention to him.

Like he was wanted.

It was a nice feeling, because he'd grown up his entire life being unwanted and then when he was thrust into the Magical World, he was wanted for all the wrong reasons. He had money and people walked when money talked. He had fame, and if they didn't want to be kissing his arse, they were defaming him. He had status, they wanted to either bear his children of have him bear there's in hopes of taking over his Lordships or at least getting partial control of his estates.

It was all greed with these people. He was unimpressed.

His watch jingled lightly and Harry sighed, putting the letter away and taking up his list of books. He had to take his potions.

* * *

Lord Voldemort filed through his paperwork at double the speed he usually went because he just wanted to go and laze about for the rest of the evening. But even Dark Lords had work to do. It wasn't all torture and screaming to be dealt. Although paperwork _was_ a form of torture.

His wards tingled just the slightest, alerting him to Severus' presence. The man looked up only briefly when the younger man had entered the room.

"Yes, Severus?"

The man bowed from the waist and took the only seat available besides the Dark Lord's chair. "My Lord, Potter and his friend Granger came to my office today asking for permission to enter the Restricted Section."

A thrum of pleasure ran down the snake man's spine because his little lord was taking his words to heart. It showed a certain level of trust that Harry was placing in his words.

"And what action did you take?"

"I gave them permission when I learned it was for their O.W.L.s. However I feel that they may be up to something else but I am not certain what it is as of yet."

Voldemort chuckled - yes, he could find humor in ordinary things - not at all surprised at his dear follower's capability to spot mischief.

"So long as no one dies, I see nothing immediately worrying." Although he didn't really see death to others as anything to worry about either.

Severus did give a nod.

Voldemort noticed his pinched face and waited a moment before ordering, "Speak your mind Severus, nothing shall befall you when you do."

"I and my Slytherins plus a few students from other Houses noticed that your owl landed beside Potter this morning at breakfast."

Ah, yes. He'd been waiting for this line of questioning for quite some time.

"Dear Severus, my plans for Harry Potter are involved. Just know that I mean the boy no harm and therefore none of you should. And should I find out that the Slytherins are instigating anything further, I will act. Your godson being the first to learn the lesson, as he is reason for and is at the forefront of every confrontation that occurs between he and Potter."

He noticed the man gulp and nearly smiled, but refrained. He was trying to be serious.

"As you say, My Lord."

"Good," the man nodded, returning to his work and effectively dismissing the Death Eater.

He had to get back to his room soon, where he had to finish Harry's gift. Magic was a blessing yes, but it was also time consuming when building from scratch.

* * *

_**Dear Lovely Lord with Luscious Lips,** _

_**I've been doing a lot of studying recently because we have our O.W.L.s coming up and I refuse to do badly on my end of the year exams like every other years. This year will be different.** _

_**My potential suitor has been helping me a lot and I must say that while he is a mite interesting and nice, I feel bad that he is so intent on gaining my favor when you have it all to yourself.** _

_**Also… I wonder just when you will agree to marry me. There is currently no other choice available to you - I would know, I checked. And I am a kind and generous soul and I don't want you using glamours because your body as it is is simply perfection.** _

_**I am attracted to paleness of your skin and the small smattering of scales covering your body.** _

_**You might not know this but there is a small community of muggles who enjoy… particular things. The muggles have good imaginations, you have to admit. Ever since walking on the moon, the muggles have developed such intricate fictional works revolving around outer space. While I appreciate those very much as it can take years to create a fictional world with such detail, what I really enjoy are the… deviants… that these 'worlds' have created.** _

_**Because once you develop a fictional creature that hails from another planet or was perhaps born on a star or something as equally confusing, you then have creative license.** _

_**So when you have an alien(A.K.A. Extra Terrestrial) with an exoskeleton(external covering of the body) as black as pitch, long, spindly tails with sharp spikes jutting out at the tip, a bulbous head accompanied by enormous fangs, sharp claws, and acidic blood, that walks on it's hind legs and roars like a lion, people will… let their imaginations wonder.** _

_**I think I may be like these people. Because when models of these fictional creatures are created, some people are curious. What would mating/sexual habits be like for them? Which then spurs on more questions. Some people really enjoy the thought of having sex with the creature that I just described. Unabashedly aroused at the very thought of it.** _

_**While I have no interest in aliens, I do realize that my interest in you is nearly the same as the muggle's in reference to alien creatures and being dominated by them.** _

_**So if you were to find my interest in you completely confusing, darling I will inform you now that there are people out there who dream about being impregnated by an octopus. My interest in you isn't as strange as you may believe.** _

_**Who wouldn't want your delicious self as all their own? An idiot, that's who.** _

_**With raging thoughts and an insistent erection, I bid thee adieu.** _

_**H. Jarvis Privet.** _

The Dark Lord sat back in his chair and simply stared at the piece of parchment in his hands. It had been years since he'd been made to blush and the fact that this boy was so daring and insistant with his words made the older wizard flush.

And the information about muggles! Perhaps he'd been out of touch for far too long.

The moon? Really?

And the octopus. Really?

That was like thinking of the giant squid in the Black Lake in a sexual manner and that was just… no.

_Well…_

No.

A few things did stick with him though. Mr. Privet really enjoyed Lord Voldemort's appearance. Now if only Harry could be made to feel the same way, then Voldemort's life would be complete. And finally, he knew about muggles. How?

* * *

With the Christmas hols coming next week, students were becoming more and more spacey. A break from homework was a nice thought and barely anyone was paying attention in class.

Harry found himself wandering a lot. Mostly in search of a place where it was quiet, but wasn't the library.

He found himself on the outskirts of the Dark Forest, where he met a young lady with blonde hair that put Malfoy to shame. It hung in waves down her back. She never turned to see who was coming up behind her. She simply stated, "Hello, Harry Potter."

He paused in his stride because he had no idea how she had managed to know who was coming when she couldn't see him.

Carefully, he joined her, eyeing the skeletal, horse like creatures as they played.

"What are they?"

"Thestrals," she crooned, voice light and airy. "They can only be seen by people who've seen dead and comprehended it."

From the bag at her side, she pulled out an apple and shook it three times, catching the attention of a nearby foal. When she tossed it over, the creature backed away and shook its head a few times.

The girl smiled and retrieved another apple from her pocket, handing it to Harry as if it was an offering of some sort. She even bowed her head.

Once the apple was safely in his hand, she reached into her bag again and pulled out a large, bloodied piece of meat. She kept meat in her handbag. Okay then.

"What do I do with this?" he asked, gesturing to the fruit.

"It is common to gift Aes Sidhe with fruits, baked goods, or even milk to keeping them happy. You like apples. Especially Gala apples."

He blinked, because how did she know that he liked apples? How did she know that he was part Aes Sidhe? And why did she have to gift him with anything?

"It's a tradition," she simply said.

Something cold brushed Harry's hand and he looked down, finding a small Thestral nudging him. It trilled a few times as if seeking more attention.

Cautiously, he rubbed the nose with a single finger, until he felt comfortable to pet it. Not much different than with Buckbeak actually. It was kind of cute too.

"What's your name?" he asked the girl, once he was sure he'd given the foal proper affection.

"Luna Lovegood."

* * *

"Pup!"

Harry threw his arms around his godfather, beaming all the while. "Sirius!"

The man lead the teen up to his new room, checking behind them to make sure that no one else was following.

Harry placed his trunk on the large bed and stared at it for a few seconds. Slowly, ever so slowly as if testing his patience, the locks clicked open and the lid lifted, flipping into the bed.

"You did it wandlessly and non-verbally!" Sirius gasped, mouth hanging just a tad. "I couldn't do that until Auror Training!"

Harry flushed and shrugged, "I've been practicing my magic. Therese suggested that I do it to get extra points on my O.W.L.s."

Sirius huffed, "It would have been great to know that when _I_ took the exams! I could have totally done better than I did!"

Harry made a small noise of interest as he began shoving his clothes into the black armoire provided. His broom went in the far right corner, and his cloak was hung over the hook on the back of the bedroom door.

"The toilet is through there. Each room on this floor has an ensuite bathroom as it's the 'family floor' and family is more deserving," explained Sirius as if he was used to hearing it by rote, sneer in place.

Harry stifled the feeling of pity for his godfather. Sirius hated this place and all the horrible memories he had of it, but he still stayed. Harry wanted to ask, but he didn't want to be offensive.

It was still his family home and had centuries of knowledge and traditions steeped in the floorboards and the worn walls. Sirius was proud of his lineage, just not of the recent Blacks and their poor decision making skills.

"How has the Operation been going?"

Harry threw himself on the bed with a groan.

Sirius gave a considering look and a wince, "That bad?"

Harry pouted, "He hasn't really responded to my letters much. He hasn't told me to back off, just that he's courting someone and that I'm wasting my time. Instead, I have the man named Therese Rizze courting me and he seems really invested in my health and schooling and he's nice."

The Black Lord quirked a brow. "But you still like bald, hairless, and noseless, don't you?"

" _Yeeeeees_!" whined the teen.

"What do you know about him?"

"He's a Dark Wizard, Halfblood, has friends in high places in the Ministry, and he's really smart. I mean like really smart. Best O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. scores in Hogwarts history."

An impressed whistle came from the Marauder. "Having the help of someone like that would do you good."

"He gave me a list of books to study," Harry murmured, reaching over to fish the parchment from his trunk.

Sirius looked it over, eyes seeming to go wider and wider the further down he got. "He really isn't holding back. The last three books are forbidden in Magical Britain. They're also in the Black Library."

"Huh?" Harry had never heard of that before.

"Black is a Most Ancient and Noble House, remember? We have a library of our own. I mentioned nothing of it while cleaning out the house because I didn't want anyone to get their hands on the things in there. If they knew it existed, Molly would surely demand to see inside it and as the only Dark Wizard among this lot - yes, I am a Dark Wizard and you're more Grey - I would have to watch them all carefully.

And Hermione being the book hound she is, imagine if she got her hands on one of the books that is so saturated in magic and bigotry, it can recognize Muggleborns?" the man shivered. "It wouldn't be pleasant. As a Black as well as Head of the family, I can control the Black Magick to an extent to keep others safe but some of those books were trained to attack those of 'dirty blood' and are unstoppable unless you want to burn them and even then you'd need Fiendfyre."

Harry nodded, finding it all incredibly interesting as well as ridiculous. Pureblood supremacists were so bloody touchy.

"We'll deal with these later on. It's time for some rest and relaxation. Don't want to blow the holiday with boring stuff."

"I _do_ have homework."

"I know," lamented the man. "It's an evil thing they do."

* * *

Hermione had gone to France with her parents, leaving the Weasleys to stay with Harry and Sirius with the occasional visit from Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin, who were giving each other eyes every time they were even in the same room together.

Harry was about ready to just tell them to get a room, but he could wait. Perhaps it was a crush, maybe something more. He knew that Remus was a meek individual that clashed a bit with Tonks' outgoing personality, but they could be good for each other if their tried.

Maybe they were scared to say anything. Especially since Tonks' was about thirteen years younger than Remus was.

Adults were strange, Harry decided.

Fred and George had brought Harry into the room that were accommodating - which they had refused to allow anyone else to enter - to show him what they were working on. They were still going to open up a joke shop but they wanted merchandise that everyone would want, not just boys.

They needed joke items, revenge items, and sometimes just something silly to get a laugh or two out of someone. They had thought about just separating their creations and coloring some things pink to attract the ladies but Harry had them nix the idea because it was annoying even to him that pink could only be a girl color.

"Just make whatever. Girls can be just as prank happy as boys."

They then revealed their Wonder Witch line, which was just an assortment of beautifying potions, accessories, and makeup. Harry's only issue was the Love Potions and there were already five different kinds just with different names.

Fred smirked, "We don't like Love Potions either."

"So we've basically created a potion that gives the drinker the courage to ask their crush or love either out on a date, or for their hand in marriage or something important," George finished. "It enhances their feelings and helps clear their conscience of any doubts or fears they have regarding whatever the situation is. It's a 'love potion' because it is meant for lovers or lovers-to-be. There is also the warning on the bottles that pretty much says that using it on someone else will not guarantee that they will come to you, as you may not be the one they love. We hope it goes well."

Harry was impressed.

* * *

Voldemort smirked at the letter he'd received from Harry. The boy had taken his words to heart and had already found all the books he'd referred.

Closing his eyes, he allowed himself to reach out for the boy's subconscious. They were connected somehow. He'd assume it was blood that they now shared but even then, parents and their blood adopted kin did not even have reactions like the ones between the two wizards.

Something else had to be at play, but Voldemort was too busy traipsing through the boy's dream to care at present.

_He found himself in the Chamber of Secrets? What would Harry Potter know about the Chamber? Why would the boy even know what it looked like on the inside? Had he somehow plucked the memory from Voldemort's mind perhaps?_

_Still, the boy was in the main chamber and he was leaning against the Basilisk, only the great serpent was dead and missing a fang._

_Voldemort's footsteps were quiet as he approached, finding an interesting and potentially dangerous sight awaiting him._

_Harry Potter sat on the cold, bloodied floor of the chamber, with a small, black book at his feet, one large hole through the center, marring the perfect of the leather._

_Voldemort recognized the book and felt his heartbeat jump and a trickle of coldness seep into his stomach._

_The boy looked up and frowned, "Why are you here?" He blinked, "You should even lo-"_

Voldemort tore himself from the dream because the diary couldn't be ignored. Potter should not know the location or interior design of the Chamber of Secrets, but he did. And the diary should not be there, but it was. He couldn't ignore that.

Hissing out a string of demands, he summoned Lucius to his manor and hoped that the man's answers were what the Dark Lord wanted to hear.

Or else.

* * *

** A/N: Another is done! **

** =There was an AVP reference. **

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	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets healthy. Voldy panics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucius done fucked up!

**A/N: Hello, people!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**I have no beta.**

**ENJOY!**

**CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR.[HELLY-WATERMELONSMELLINFELLON](http://helly-watermelonsmellinfellon.tumblr.com/). I FOLLOW BACK.**

* * *

Voldemort was panicking. He'd summoned Lucius to explain just where his diary resided and what did he find out? Lucius Malfoy decided to plant the diary on a child in the middle of broad daylight in Diagon Alley. It then got into the hands of Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore and somehow it was destroyed with a hole through the center of it!

Lucius didn't get much of a story beyond one of his Lord's old school belongings making it's way into innocent hands and being used to do evil.

Lucius had essentially lost him his Horcrux. Voldemort didn't know if Dumbledore or Harry had done it and since he had seen Harry in the Chamber in his dream, he could guess that Harry was the one to go into the Chamber.

Severus was able to shed more light on the situation.

Apparently, Ginny Weasley had been taken at the end of the year, leading them to believe that she had been the one doing the work of the Diary. Her confession to Dumbledore was not spread for everyone to know, but the bare minimum and then whatever Severus noticed on his own, were passed on to the Dark Lord.

Students were being petrified and everyone thought Potter was doing it because he was somehow always around when the bodies were discovered. Also, the biggest revelation the Dark Lord had experienced in years, was that Harry Potter was a Parselmouth.

The reason everyone was so sure that the boy had been the Heir of Slytherin, was because he had spoken to a snake during a dueling club meeting and had apparently sicked the serpent on a Hufflepuff. According to Severus, the snake had gone to attack, but then stopped and became docile when Harry spoke to it. Conveniently, no one seemed to remember that part.

The campaign against Harry began then and who should be the leaders of it? Hufflepuff. Ravenclaw and most of Gryffindor went along with it. And the Slytherins had been indecisive over it.

Severus explained that almost half the House had believed that Harry was the Heir and the other half refused to even analyze the situation, simply claiming that it was impossible and not giving it any more thought.

Technically, it could be possible somewhere down the Potter line. The Potters were a cousin line to the Gaunts because both came from different Peverell brothers. Voldemort knew that in the past, several Blacks had married into the line and since then, many Malfoys, Rosiers, and other Dark families were splattered somewhere in the line. It was entirely possible for the boy to be related to him in more than one way.

But just because they could possibly be related didn't explain why people thought that Potter was the Heir of Slytherin. That would mean he would have to have been Voldemort's son or just a relative. It was amazing the moronic things people came up with when they needed a scapegoat.

Back onto the subject of his beloved Horcrux! Nothing was truly known about what happened to the soul piece once the vessel was destroyed. Did it also get destroyed, did it move on, or did it return to the host? Now while Voldemort would love to assume that it returned to him, therefore making him more sane of mind than he used to be, it was most likely that a piece of his soul had been destroyed.

Just to spite him for doing something that was considered so morally reprehensible.

As for his other Horcruxes, he needed to find the other ones and keep them safe. Perhaps absorb one or two?

Standing, the Dark Lord made his way to the door, intent on finding out just what was going on with his soul pieces.

* * *

Harry closed his eyes as he swallowed the contents of the golden vial. The potion was going to help him get better.

His health resided in only five sections - though he was going to take all of the stages - and the potion had to be brewed and then left to sit through the various stages. Because it required so many ingredients and time and preparation, it was actually possible for one potion to be capable of fixing so much damage.

Unfortunately, it had taken longer to brew than the Polyjuice Potion, had ten times the amount of ingredients required, and had twice the amount of stages.

 _Moste Potente Potions_ was very detailed.

**Ad Vitam Potion:**

**Stage 1:** Eyes

The potion must sit for forty-nine hours after the last ingredient is added. If brewed properly, it will turn deep blue in colour. The potion will remain at this colour for seven hours, before it'll begin to morph into the next stage. This stage will correct all problems with the drinker's vision.

 **Warning:** Stage 1 will cause burning and itching in the eyes. Length of time varies upon how bad the drinker's vision is, but generally lasts up to six hours. DO NOT touch your eyes until the side effects have ceased completely! DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 2:** Ears

From the deep blue, it will then slowly turn lavender over the course of seven hours. You will have between two to three days to collect the next dose from the cauldron. Freshness of your ingredients will determine the speed of some stages.

 **Warning:** Stage 2 renders the drinker completely deaf for exactly one hour. DO NOT put anything in your ears during that time period. DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 3:** Organs

At the end of the three days, the shade will darken into a mauve. The potion must be taken in one dose of a Grade A Spoon. You have five days to retrieve the dose.

 **Warning:** Stage 3 induces a stinging chill throughout the body. You must be in a quarantined environment as the potions work to fix your organs, leaving you susceptible to any illness that you come into contact with. You must be in lock-down until the effects have worn off, which can take an entire day. Dreamless Sleep is suggested after consuming Stage 3 of the Ad Vitam. DO NOT eat or drink anything until the effects have worn off. DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 4:** Muscles

Once the five days have elapsed, the potion should take on a muddy green colour. The potion will also begin to smell of eggs. This is the longest stage. The potion will remain this way for two weeks, but you can only consume a standard vial full on the sixth day of this schedule.

 **Warning:** Stage 4 will leave your body incapable of movement for nearly a full day. The drinker must have attentive assistants on hand to keep them from getting any injuries. Dreamless Sleep is once again suggested. DO NOT do any walking, running, standing, jogging, sprinting, dashing, flying, or any other sort of movement that requires you to move the lower half of you body.r DO NOT lift anything more than a feather's weight. DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 5:** Nerves

After the two weeks, the green will brighten until it is reminiscent of the Killing Curse. The potion will sting the tongue and the esophagus while going down. The effects will only begin showing about an hour after the dose has been taken. ( **NOTE:** _Dose may have to be doubled depending on nerve damage._ ) The stage will last fifty-five to sixty hours.

 **Warning:** Stage 5 is strangely enough, considered the most terrifying stage, because the nerves completely shut off, leaving the drinker unable to feel anything from between ten to fifteen hours. Dreamless Sleep is once again, recommended. DO NOT use anything but the vial suggested. DO NOT get Stage 5 on your skin. DO NOT allow it to touch anything but the inside of your body(for it is said to have an acidic reaction). DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 6:** Skin

When the appropriate amount of time has passed, the potion will turn a dark brown shade. You will have nine hours to consume the stage before it moves on to the next stage. The stage gives off a brown tinted smoke.

 **Warning:** Stage 6 consists of burning over every inch of the body. The dermis and epidermis will essentially be burned away from the inside out via overheating internally. New flesh will grow back just as quickly. The pain has been likened to the Cruciatus Curse and unfortunately, the drinker must be awake and cannot take any other potions, else they might clash and muddle Stage 6, rendering it useless. DO NOT allow the stage to make contact with your skin. DO NOT breathe in the fumes from the stage. DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 7:** Bones

This stage will turn completely black after the nine hours have elapsed. Consume one half of the suggested vial first, then wait an hour before consuming the other half. The potion is said to be a different flavor for everyone. Effects will last fifteen to twenty hours. This stage will remain for five days.

 **Warning:** Stage 7 works as a better version of Skele-Gro. It causes immense amounts of throbbing pain all over the body. A pain relief potion could be taken to lessen the feeling, but it will also make the potion's effects slow down and could even double the ten hour waiting period. DO NOT allow the stage to make contact with your skin. DO NOT take more or less than the recommended dosage. DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 8:** Cells

From the ominous black, you will find a bright pink that smells of honey. The vial specified must be used exactly one hour after the stage has taken effect. The potion must then rest in the vial for ten hours, absorbing the magical properties from the crystal. Drink in exactly three gulps. The stage will remain for ten hours.

 **Warning:** Stage 8 may seem all nice and pretty but it actually almost as bad as Stage 7 in potency and strength. The body is being remade and strengthened even down to the molecular level. Expect a persistent tingling all throughout the body. It will become frustrating after the first of the ten hours. DO NOT use any vial other than the suggested one. DO NOT eat or drink anything twelve hours before consuming the stage. DO NOT sleep during the time you have taken the stage. DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 9:** Hair

The brightness of the pink will darken into a fiery red, accompanied by a strong scent of cinnamon. The potion will remain at this stage for forty-six hours. While the potion will have naturally changed color after the ten hours of the previous stage, you must wait until two hours before this stage ends, before you can get the most potent dosage. The closer to the end of the stage, the better.

 **Warning:** Stage 9 includes loss of all body hair. It is the only stage to lack any sort of pain and will simply make you look odd for an hour, before it grows back stronger. DO NOT get the stage on your skin. DO NOT take more than the recommended dosage, otherwise your hair may not be able to grow back because you overloaded the follicles. DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

 **Stage 10:** Blood

The fiery red will darken into a crimson that will work to fix any impairments or abnormalities in the bloodstream. You will have exactly five minutes to retrieve this dose and consume it, before the entire potion it then rendered useless.

 **Warning:** Stage 10 absolutely cannot be mixed with anything other than your own saliva! Make sure that your mouth has been magically cleaned before ingesting! Expect for your body temperature to rise. You will experience hot flashes for up to nine hours after the final stage has been administered. Your blood will be renewed and replenished, forcing the old blood out through your pores. Yes, you will sweat blood. A cold bath is advised. DO NOT use any vial but the one recommended. DO NOT eat or drink anything twenty-four hours before consuming the stage. DO NOT let the stage touch your skin. DO NOT feed potion to animals, magical creatures, or beasts. Humans only.

Harry was a Gryffindor and had decided to go all in for it because why shouldn't he want perfect health? He would need every bit of health he could get, and what was a little discomfort or pain for years and years of good health?

Snape had actually been a great help and he, alongside Madam Pomfrey, he drawn up a schedule for Harry for when he was to take the potions. Of course Snape didn't just brew the potion, he made Hermione and Harry do the brew with the man's notes and his suggestions bearing down on them.

It was considered extra credit, especially since they had actually managed to brew a N.E.W.T.+ Mastery Level potion perfectly!

Harry didn't even feel like the monetary expense was much to be worried over. Though he did realize just why not many people could afford the potion. Costs of everything included, and Harry had spent twice the amount offered as an award for winning the Triwizard Tournament!

Ingredients, a silver cauldron, and crystal vials. The whole works were needed!

Now all Harry had to do was actually take the various stages.

* * *

"My Lord, Potter has begun taking the Ad Vitam."

Voldemort paused in his near constant worry over his Horcruxes, in order to give one of his most loyal followers some due attention. Harry was finally getting himself the help he needed.

"And how goes it, Severus?" he inquired, voice level as it always was.

The man looked mildly impressed as he admitted, "Potter and Granger managed to brew the potion perfectly, with only minimal assistance from myself. The first two stages have already been consumed and the change is already very noticeable.

It is… shocking to learn of his home life and just how malnourished he truly is."

"Ah, his home life. And have you found out anything about Mr. Potter's relatives?" Voldemort asked, wanting to know the names and where they resided so that he may pay them a visit.

Severus bowed his head and answered, "I have learned that he was placed with Petunia Evans, who is now married. From what I remember of Lily's sister, she was a very hardened, shrewish girl, who was jealous of her sister for having magic. When Petunia learned that she could not go to Hogwarts, she turned her sister away and became Lily's greatest bully. I can only imagine that she became worse as she aged.

Potter did mention the name Dursley and I have employed the use of the Yellow Pages, which is a booklet with all the registered, home, phone numbers, in England. After some searching, I found a Petunia Dursley, who lives in Privet Drive in Surrey."

Voldemort could not withhold the smirk of complete victory slithering across his lips! In order to relax from the stress of not being able to find some of his Horcruxes, he could just take his anger out on those who had harmed his _precious_.

"We have a little trip to take, my dear friends."

* * *

**Dear Harry,**

**Are you well? I haven't heard from you in some time and I must admit that I worry for you on a near constant basis. If you do not reply to my letter within the next two weeks, I will just have to go to Hogwarts myself to see if you are well.**

**I feel that I should warn you, I know how to get into every common room, passwords be damned!**

**Onto another note, I was hoping we could establish a meeting between us. I would like to be able to see you face to face. Even if you decide to not accept my suit in the end, it would still be nice to remain on friendly terms with you. You are an inspiring young man and to have someone like you to converse with would surely brighten anyone's day.**

**Hoping you are well,**

**Therese M. Rizze**

* * *

** A/N: Another is done! **

** How was it? Let me know! **

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** See ya! :D **

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**Author's Note:**

> I came up with the names.
> 
> If you don't get it. Voldy and Harry are intent on wooing each other, under different names. So while they are in the middle of wooing each other, both are getting letters from another person(who is actually the one they are trying to woo) who is trying to woo them. Eventually, they find out that the person who succeeded in wooing them, is the one they had originally intended to woo.
> 
> Example:
> 
> Voldemort is Therese M. Rizze. Therese is sending wooing letters to Harry.
> 
> Harry is H. Jarvis Privet. H. Jarvis Privet is sending wooing letters to Voldemort.
> 
> At the same time, Voldemort is receiving wooing letters from someone named H. Jarvis Privet, while he's trying to woo Harry Potter. Meanwhile Harry Potter is receiving wooing letters from Therese M. Rizze, while he's trying to woo Voldemort.


End file.
